"Some people complain because roses have thorns...I am thankful that thorns have roses"
Alphonse Karr
I have come to understand, in a most profound way, the offset relationship between joy and wisdom and their role in the makeup of my being. My joy is a deep form of happiness that flows, and is built upon, the wisdom my life has revealed to me. It gives me "lightness" in life. As my wonderful Godmother June would always (and still does) say "Ohhhh lighten up". My joy allows me to laugh and smile, and to breathe deep all that the world around has to offer. It operates in the moment, which is always a good influence on me. My joy assures me of the Love and attention my God has for me.
Wisdom, on the other hand, is like a wealthy uncle. I don't live with him, he rarely comes to my "house", but I see his presence because he "pays" for everything. When he does come, it's always in a dark corner of my life. When my joy takes a "lunch break", wisdom slides into the booth alongside me, exposes a new perspective on something, pays the bill, and disappears. When my joy returns, it's even more intense because of what I have learned. I Love my uncle.
Last Tuesday I went for my 6 week post operative Dr. appointment. I'm sure it was clear, from my last post here, that my angst over this visit was quite high. This is the point in this whole process where you find out if chemotherapy and/or radiation treatment will be necessary. Once the prostate is removed, technically, there should be no detectable prostate specific antigens (psa) in your blood stream. If there is a significant amount (more than 1 ng/ml of blood) of PSA, it probably means tiny, microscopic prostate tumors are present somewhere in your lymphatic or circulatory system. At this point the effort is to hunt it down and kill it before it sets up shop in some other organ of the body. It's easy to see why this step in the journey causes so much worry. Especially in me. I did a quick visit with the physical therapist to review my recovery successes and then after a short break I went to the Doctor's office to get the news of my blood test. At this point, I could barely remember my name or birthday. I was led to an exam room to wait. The small battery powered clock on the wall sounded like Big Ben. I could feel the quick steps of the nurses in the hall bouncing the floor up and down. Twenty minutes later my door opened and in walked a nurse in purple scrubs. "Dr. Stepan was hung up in surgery. You can leave and get a bite to eat and come back in an hour or so. We'll just fit you back in when you get here". It felt good to exhale, but the thought of holding the next breath for as long as the last didn't thrill me. "Okay" I said. "Do you happen to have the results of my blood work". It was worth a shot. I really feel that the object of eating lunch is to actually swallow the food, and at that moment, it would have been impossible. " Yes" she said, your count shows less than 0.04, or an unmeasurable amount. The test only measures to .04, and yours was less than that." She had me at .04, she didn't have to add the 0. "That's a good thing, right" I clarified. She smiled at me for a quick second with kind, thoughtful eyes..."Yes it is". They were the eyes of someone who had seen "not so good" numbers delivered before and they glowed with appreciation here.
< 0.04. That's how it appears on my lab report. I don't think I will ever forget this figure. Essentially it means zero psa. As my doctor would later qualify that day, it means a low probability for my cancer returning. By my cancer, I mean my prostate cancer. Not impossible, just not very likely at all. None of this affects the possibility of other cancers. My main weapon there is to create an immune system that will not allow any cancer to develop. This is in the works, as we speak, (and will continue) for the rest of my life. Virtually every study that's been done over the past thirty years or so (some longer) shows overwhelming evidence that correct nutrition can protect us from almost every known cancer there is. It's fairly complex. It requires big adjustments and a dedication to creating a clean "environment" for us to live in. That's the path we are on...and it feels great. I told someone the other day that I feel as good as I've felt in maybe ten or fifteen years. I lost twenty pounds ( a year and a half ago), I had my knee repaired (one year ago), and with the diet changes we are making, I feel real good.
Now the wisdom part propels me forward. I have a greater appreciation for "all things, big and small".
" We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world" Helen Keller
I was going to make this my last posting for this blog. I have been convinced otherwise. My JOY encourages me to continue, my LOVE for people requires it. I want to express my, previously unfathomable, gratitude for everyone who has read and commented, prayed for and encouraged me regarding my blog. It started out, and remains, a personal journal of my private thoughts and events as I deal with all this. As well, it was also meant to soothe and allay some fears for others as they encounter any similar situations. I have heard from several others, battling breast and cervical cancer,(as well as prostate) who expressed the same feelings and determination, and appreciated the support and insights they received here. It's just good to know others are out there in the same struggle, praying and thinking about them. This visit from my "rich uncle" is over, for now, and yes...he is still paying for things. He is keeping me steeped in valuable perspective and appreciation for all I have...my family, my friends, MY GOD, and this feeds my JOY. MERRY CHRISTMAS to ALL
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