As I have said before, I never got the chance to escort my parents into their "old age". My dad was a young eighty four year old who lived in his own home, drove everywhere (even interstate travels), piloted a large power yacht around the Puget Sound, and in general navigated his life with a certain level of octogenarian ease that most of us desire at that stage of our life. For the most part, he embraced technology and lived life as it presented itself. Except for a bout with prostate cancer (at age 71), the usual blood clot, and some mild heart disease, his health was good. And yet...he died unexpectedly while taking a "quick" nap before a meeting with his lawn guy.
My mom did have a serious health issue, emphysema, which required periodic use of supplemental oxygen. Despite this, she was active at her senior center, lived in her own home, and maintained a brilliant sense of humor. Her laugh was ( and still is with my two sisters) a real family treasure. When she started to laugh, you were drawn into a lightness of life that transcended any worries or hardships you were experiencing. She was a tiny gem that sparkled through her eyes right up to her final days. A brain tumor, and a series of strokes, took her at age seventy eight. Our parents, as every one's do, live on in their kids. My sisters shine with my mom's optimism, laughter, and incredible resiliency. My belief in community, whistling under my breath, and wry goofy humor comes from my dad. That's how it works.
Last week I had the privilege of helping my in-laws as they moved to a senior housing facility a mile from their current home. With this move, they completed a "ten block" rectangle of housing locations that spanned over 60 years. Four homes, two streets, one phone number. They could have stayed in their current home a few more years but, as they are prone to do, decided it was better to move a little bit early rather than a little too late. Mom decided it was time to "go through things" and simplify. Dad knew the days of tending a yard and garden were behind him. Neither wanted to move but intelligence, and wisdom, told them it was time.
They are both people who take tremendous pride in their home and family. A move to an apartment was both new and a bit sad. I tear up just writing this because I witnessed first hand how difficult a decision, and process, it was for them to make. A lifetime of memories (and mementos) reduced to wholesale exporting to family members, thrift stores, and garbage bins. My mother-in-law did not want her kids to have the burden of having to deal with this task. My father-in-law is a retired trial lawyer who would come home from work and "detour" to his garden before entering the house or taking off his suit. Probably to ward off a potential migraine, but certainly to acquire some sense of peace after a day in court. Together they raised eight kids, several surrogate children (including me the past 31 years), and have conducted their lives with a level of integrity few people achieve.
So, last week I went down to Denver to help any way I could. A few of the jobs were carpentry related so those were easy to accomplish. Mostly my work involved some small lifting and lending some moral support. I was glad I had the time to be there. It was an honor for me and helped me gain some understanding about my life and how we all "fit" together if we let HIS work unfold. Having the resources to make such a move is certainly a blessing, but relinquishing your "home", and yard, for an apartment is a sacrifice that should not be taken lightly by any of us "kids". We're all headed for the same decision some day. Some encouraging words won't dispel the feelings that go with such a decision. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to make a choice you know is right but...REALLY do not want to make. A choice that is 180 degrees from everything you have valued your whole life.
I am so blessed to be part of this family...
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Simple's better...right?
Of course...it's a rhetorical question. I know the answer. In a strange way, I knew the answer before I ever considered the question. You see...I have always feared the influence money has on me. I don't know why, I've never had enough to base this opinion on. And don't get me wrong, I have always sought money, at least in some modest fashion. As well, I should say this is not an indictment of money or those who seek it. This is merely a reflection on my own "monetary neurosis". Money, much like firearms, is only a "thing". It has, obviously, no ability of it's own to perform either good or evil actions. I know this. I see money more as "activity", or things I can do with it...i.e. travel, learn, fish, feed, house, repair, etc. A verb,not a possession. It doesn't mean power to me. It doesn't have a "life" of it's own. It allows me to "do" things, not just "have" things, if that makes sense. I know this seems as if I am "splitting hairs", and like I just said it is my fiscal illness. Logically, it acquires health care, education, utilities, housing, clothing, existence...it provides the necessities. First. Or should. Next it can provide opportunities such as vacations, travel, jewelry, cars, houses, toys...you know, things. Primarily, this is the progression of thought people use as they seek to acquire money (how much) and then to plan how to use it (purpose). If you are just a bit more advanced in your planning you place a large amount of thought about when, and how, you will "retire" from working and enjoy the last ten or fifteen (or more) years doing as you wish. Some people base their entire career selection on this criteria. Suffice it to say...I am not one of these people.
Where am I going with this ? I'm part of a group of people that places great value on what we do (and where we live) for a living vs how much I can make. We truly care about what we do and how well we do it. That's not to say I'm not interested in my pay, just the opposite, but my main focus is the project and how well I do things. I guess I just want those "with money" to acknowledge what I do and "share" the pie without me having to gravel for it by tooting my own praises. Believe me, what I do and the product I produce is an easy thing to see...unless greed clouds your vision. One thing I have learned is that to acknowledge the efforts of others means to have to "back it up" with some level of compensation. Words are great but they won't pay for health care or college tuition so, often, neither comes along.
Now as a capitalist I will admit that every worker is responsible for their own financial well being. It is my downfall. Five children and some small mistakes have been my undoing. I guess I just expect that those who make their money from my work should share in the "windfall". My last project, which was a spectacular place to behold, took me two years plus to build, caused an incalculable toll on tools, vehicles (and body). In the end I received my wages plus approximately $10k in bonus, 401k contributions, and severance. It was my fault, I did not request or receive our agreements in writing. I have trouble doing this. The contractor (as opposed to the builder, me) was paid over $500k. The crew received even less than I did. Some time back I came to the conclusion that I was a much better builder than I was a business owner, but can't there be a middle ground ?
Many will, at this point, inquire if I would like some cheese to go with my "whine". I will answer YES!!! if cheese is a metaphor for $$$$. I guess what I am hoping for is some type of dialogue about how business compensates it's workers. The irony for me is that by the time I understood why and how I should negotiate my compensation for any given project, the national (and local) economy eliminated any and all opportunities to implement this newly found understanding. The next thing I knew three years have gone by and I'm finding myself too old (in the eyes of others) to secure even an interview. I lost out, on my last job application (a county job I was supremely qualified for) to a young man who hasn't been alive as long as I have been building. The hard part for me is that I feel better than I have in fifteen years. Go Figure....
Where am I going with this ? I'm part of a group of people that places great value on what we do (and where we live) for a living vs how much I can make. We truly care about what we do and how well we do it. That's not to say I'm not interested in my pay, just the opposite, but my main focus is the project and how well I do things. I guess I just want those "with money" to acknowledge what I do and "share" the pie without me having to gravel for it by tooting my own praises. Believe me, what I do and the product I produce is an easy thing to see...unless greed clouds your vision. One thing I have learned is that to acknowledge the efforts of others means to have to "back it up" with some level of compensation. Words are great but they won't pay for health care or college tuition so, often, neither comes along.
Now as a capitalist I will admit that every worker is responsible for their own financial well being. It is my downfall. Five children and some small mistakes have been my undoing. I guess I just expect that those who make their money from my work should share in the "windfall". My last project, which was a spectacular place to behold, took me two years plus to build, caused an incalculable toll on tools, vehicles (and body). In the end I received my wages plus approximately $10k in bonus, 401k contributions, and severance. It was my fault, I did not request or receive our agreements in writing. I have trouble doing this. The contractor (as opposed to the builder, me) was paid over $500k. The crew received even less than I did. Some time back I came to the conclusion that I was a much better builder than I was a business owner, but can't there be a middle ground ?
Many will, at this point, inquire if I would like some cheese to go with my "whine". I will answer YES!!! if cheese is a metaphor for $$$$. I guess what I am hoping for is some type of dialogue about how business compensates it's workers. The irony for me is that by the time I understood why and how I should negotiate my compensation for any given project, the national (and local) economy eliminated any and all opportunities to implement this newly found understanding. The next thing I knew three years have gone by and I'm finding myself too old (in the eyes of others) to secure even an interview. I lost out, on my last job application (a county job I was supremely qualified for) to a young man who hasn't been alive as long as I have been building. The hard part for me is that I feel better than I have in fifteen years. Go Figure....
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A Better Mood
"It's not what you look at that matters...it's what you see."
Henry David Thoreau
I love this quote, and have for years, because it sums up my approach to life. I used to use it on my kids, you know..."attitude is everything", much to their chagrin. I could always tell from their pained, faraway gaze what they thought of this bit of wisdom. I also remember that "parent" moment when I realized "life" would have to provide the understanding, I was just the messenger. I drew up the "play", but "Coach" would have to explain it. I didn't have the words. That's okay though. They would just have to wait for their "rich uncle" to visit.
For several weeks now I have been spending a large portion of each day with a very dear friend of mine who is suffering from depression. He has for some time. Recent events, and his illness, had rendered him "nonfunctioning". In daily life and at work he became unable to perform even simple decisions, often "locking up" and just staring at nothing in particular. Inside, he knew he was shutting down, but he couldn't help it. He wasn't eating properly, his driving was slow and erratic, and his moment to moment awareness was so slow that his bosses put him on a medical leave for safety reasons. His past gave him intense sadness, and the future scared the hell out of him. No awareness of the present moment, blessings..opportunities, etc. All his thoughts were "If only I had...done this" or " How is...going to happen". The nighttimes alone were filled with such dread that he was unable to sleep, even with powerful prescription medication. His appearance and behavior scared me to death. I saw him after church a few weeks ago and just decided his situation was just too much too ignore.
Much like cancer, I had a lot to understand about depression. I knew it was an illness, just like cancer, that required treatment to survive. When some of us encounter sad or stressful situations, we react to things, accordingly, and move forward. We grieve, we get upset, whatever the correct response is, and most of the time we "get over it". For whatever reason, those who suffer depression find it difficult to reverse the initial feelings and their mood continues to slide south. Many of us have experienced this to some degree. Sometime before we reached that "tipping point", most of us gain control of our mood and start climbing back up. Science has a large volume of studies that show the chemical brain changes that happen when this occurs. As the depression deepens, the greater the chemical changes. Some believe that specific mental exercises can prevent the severe plunges that many suffer from. For others, medication is prescribed to balance these chemical offsets. I offer this only as I sift my way through the reading material I am studying to gain understanding for my friend. My objective here is to address the role we play in each others life. When I saw my friend after church, the first thing I noticed was how alone he was...and it broke my heart. For twenty years I was used to seeing him with his wife and four kids. Now people were avoiding any meaningful conversation with him, wishing not to engage in anything too personal. I could tell by his appearance that his illness was winning the battle, and...so could everyone else. I just remembered thinking "I just can't take anymore sadness this year", even when it's someone else's sadness.
I'm casually acquainted with the connection between depression and suicide, or homicide for that matter, and I quickly decided to dive into my friend's life to at least "be there" for him. I admit I didn't know what I was signing up for, but the option to ignore his plight never occurred to me. So many people have been there for me, on so many levels, over the years. It's how God maneuvers through our world. We have to be the ones who advocate, protect, befriend, and sometimes comfort those around us. Helping my friend was easy. I love him. Helping a stranger in a similar way would really express my true humanity. Maybe I'll get to see how that plays out someday. I say let's perfect our "compassion" on the one's we love first. Don't look beyond the people in your life that are crying out for help. Once we develop the "eyes" to see other people's pain we begin to build a world where sadness recedes and joy expands. No one deserves to suffer illness, it just happens. We all encounter it at some point in our lives. Mental illness, physical disease, tragedy. Loving each other through it is the only way to have peace as we go. My friend will be okay. He's getting lots of help, his illness is curable, and...he's not alone.
I apologize if this post seems a bit "preachy". It's not my intent. I just wanted to push the point that we have to be there for each other. We are the one's who perform HIS work. We comfort, we cure, we support, we teach, we protect, and we attend to each other's needs. All the things LOVE does.
Here's to a prosperous and happy New Year. I hate to see last year go, but I'm anxious to see what I get to learn this year. I say let's inhale deeply, smile brightly, and move closer to the "light".
Henry David Thoreau
I love this quote, and have for years, because it sums up my approach to life. I used to use it on my kids, you know..."attitude is everything", much to their chagrin. I could always tell from their pained, faraway gaze what they thought of this bit of wisdom. I also remember that "parent" moment when I realized "life" would have to provide the understanding, I was just the messenger. I drew up the "play", but "Coach" would have to explain it. I didn't have the words. That's okay though. They would just have to wait for their "rich uncle" to visit.
For several weeks now I have been spending a large portion of each day with a very dear friend of mine who is suffering from depression. He has for some time. Recent events, and his illness, had rendered him "nonfunctioning". In daily life and at work he became unable to perform even simple decisions, often "locking up" and just staring at nothing in particular. Inside, he knew he was shutting down, but he couldn't help it. He wasn't eating properly, his driving was slow and erratic, and his moment to moment awareness was so slow that his bosses put him on a medical leave for safety reasons. His past gave him intense sadness, and the future scared the hell out of him. No awareness of the present moment, blessings..opportunities, etc. All his thoughts were "If only I had...done this" or " How is...going to happen". The nighttimes alone were filled with such dread that he was unable to sleep, even with powerful prescription medication. His appearance and behavior scared me to death. I saw him after church a few weeks ago and just decided his situation was just too much too ignore.
Much like cancer, I had a lot to understand about depression. I knew it was an illness, just like cancer, that required treatment to survive. When some of us encounter sad or stressful situations, we react to things, accordingly, and move forward. We grieve, we get upset, whatever the correct response is, and most of the time we "get over it". For whatever reason, those who suffer depression find it difficult to reverse the initial feelings and their mood continues to slide south. Many of us have experienced this to some degree. Sometime before we reached that "tipping point", most of us gain control of our mood and start climbing back up. Science has a large volume of studies that show the chemical brain changes that happen when this occurs. As the depression deepens, the greater the chemical changes. Some believe that specific mental exercises can prevent the severe plunges that many suffer from. For others, medication is prescribed to balance these chemical offsets. I offer this only as I sift my way through the reading material I am studying to gain understanding for my friend. My objective here is to address the role we play in each others life. When I saw my friend after church, the first thing I noticed was how alone he was...and it broke my heart. For twenty years I was used to seeing him with his wife and four kids. Now people were avoiding any meaningful conversation with him, wishing not to engage in anything too personal. I could tell by his appearance that his illness was winning the battle, and...so could everyone else. I just remembered thinking "I just can't take anymore sadness this year", even when it's someone else's sadness.
I'm casually acquainted with the connection between depression and suicide, or homicide for that matter, and I quickly decided to dive into my friend's life to at least "be there" for him. I admit I didn't know what I was signing up for, but the option to ignore his plight never occurred to me. So many people have been there for me, on so many levels, over the years. It's how God maneuvers through our world. We have to be the ones who advocate, protect, befriend, and sometimes comfort those around us. Helping my friend was easy. I love him. Helping a stranger in a similar way would really express my true humanity. Maybe I'll get to see how that plays out someday. I say let's perfect our "compassion" on the one's we love first. Don't look beyond the people in your life that are crying out for help. Once we develop the "eyes" to see other people's pain we begin to build a world where sadness recedes and joy expands. No one deserves to suffer illness, it just happens. We all encounter it at some point in our lives. Mental illness, physical disease, tragedy. Loving each other through it is the only way to have peace as we go. My friend will be okay. He's getting lots of help, his illness is curable, and...he's not alone.
I apologize if this post seems a bit "preachy". It's not my intent. I just wanted to push the point that we have to be there for each other. We are the one's who perform HIS work. We comfort, we cure, we support, we teach, we protect, and we attend to each other's needs. All the things LOVE does.
Here's to a prosperous and happy New Year. I hate to see last year go, but I'm anxious to see what I get to learn this year. I say let's inhale deeply, smile brightly, and move closer to the "light".
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