When they say "Life is Precious"...they aren't kidding

"Some people complain because roses have thorns...I am thankful that thorns have roses"
                                                                                                   Alphonse Karr



     I have come to understand, in a most profound way, the offset relationship between joy and wisdom and their role in the makeup of my being.  My joy is a deep form of happiness that flows, and is built upon, the wisdom my life has revealed to me.   It gives me "lightness" in life.  As my wonderful Godmother June would always (and still does) say "Ohhhh lighten up".  My joy allows me to laugh and smile, and to breathe deep all that the world around has to offer.  It operates in the  moment, which is always a good influence on me.  My joy assures me of the Love and attention my God has for me.
    Wisdom, on the other hand, is like a wealthy uncle.  I don't live with him, he rarely comes to my "house", but I see his presence because he "pays" for everything.  When he does come, it's always in a dark corner of my life. When my joy takes a "lunch break", wisdom slides into the booth alongside me, exposes a new perspective on something, pays the bill, and disappears.  When my joy returns, it's even more intense because of what I have learned.  I Love my uncle.
    Last Tuesday I went for my 6 week post operative Dr. appointment.  I'm sure it was clear, from my last post here, that my angst over this visit was quite high.  This is the point in this whole process where you find out if chemotherapy and/or radiation treatment will be necessary.  Once the prostate is removed, technically, there should be no detectable prostate specific antigens (psa) in your blood stream.  If there is a significant amount (more than 1 ng/ml of blood) of PSA, it probably means tiny, microscopic prostate tumors are present somewhere in your lymphatic or circulatory system.  At this point the effort is to hunt it down and kill it before it sets up shop in some other organ of the body.  It's easy to see why this step in the journey causes so much worry.  Especially in me.  I did a quick visit with the physical therapist to review my recovery successes and then after a short break I went to the Doctor's office to get the news of my blood test.  At this point, I could barely remember my name or birthday.  I was led to an exam room to wait.  The small battery powered clock on the wall sounded like Big Ben.  I could feel the quick steps of the nurses in the hall bouncing the floor up and down.  Twenty minutes later my door opened and in walked a nurse in purple scrubs.  "Dr. Stepan was hung up in surgery.  You can leave and get a bite to eat and come back in an hour or so.  We'll just fit you back in when you get here".  It felt good to exhale, but the thought of holding the next breath for as long as the last didn't thrill me.  "Okay" I said.  "Do you happen to have the results of my blood work".  It was worth a shot.  I really feel that the object of eating lunch is to actually swallow the food, and at that moment, it would have been impossible.  " Yes" she said,  your count shows less than 0.04, or an unmeasurable amount.  The test only measures to .04, and yours was less than that."  She had me at .04, she didn't have to add the 0.  "That's a good thing, right" I clarified.  She smiled at me for a quick second with kind, thoughtful eyes..."Yes it is".  They were the eyes of someone who had seen "not so good" numbers delivered before and they glowed with appreciation here.
    < 0.04.  That's how it appears on my lab report.  I don't think I will ever forget this figure.  Essentially it means zero psa.  As my doctor would later qualify that day, it means a low probability for my cancer returning.  By my cancer, I mean my prostate cancer. Not impossible, just not very likely at all.  None of this affects the possibility of other cancers.   My main weapon there is to create an immune system that will not allow any cancer to develop.  This is in the works, as we speak, (and will continue) for the rest of my life.  Virtually every study that's been done over the past thirty years or so (some longer) shows overwhelming evidence that correct nutrition can protect us from almost every known cancer there is.  It's fairly complex.  It requires big adjustments and a dedication to creating a clean "environment" for us to live in.  That's the path we are on...and it feels great.  I told someone the other day that I feel as good as I've felt in maybe ten or fifteen years.  I lost twenty pounds ( a year and a half ago), I had my knee repaired (one year ago), and with the diet changes we are making, I feel real good.
   Now the wisdom part propels me forward.  I have a greater appreciation for "all things, big and small". 

" We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world"  Helen Keller
  
    I was going to make this my last posting for this blog.  I have been convinced otherwise.  My JOY encourages me to continue, my LOVE for people requires it.  I want to express my, previously unfathomable, gratitude for everyone who has read and commented, prayed for and encouraged me regarding my blog.  It started out, and remains, a personal journal of my private thoughts and events as I deal with all this.  As well, it was also meant to soothe and allay some fears for others as they encounter any similar situations.  I have heard from several others, battling breast and cervical cancer,(as well as prostate) who expressed the same feelings and determination, and appreciated the support and insights they received here.  It's just good to know others are out there in the same struggle, praying and thinking about them.  This visit from my "rich uncle" is over, for now, and yes...he is still paying for things.  He is keeping me steeped in valuable perspective and appreciation for all I have...my family, my friends, MY GOD, and this feeds my JOY.   MERRY CHRISTMAS to ALL

Carrying A Dream

  "Life is too short for drama & petty things..
   So, kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly, pray always

                                                                   Pope John XXIII


    I just can't get off the idea of my cancer being a "gift".  I believe that.  I say gifts, as in something that improves or enhances life, because I honestly, and humbly, feel that way.  They are the gifts of appreciation, gratitude, clarity of thought and perspective, family, love, and LIFE itself.  How can these things be anything but gifts to us ?  They are truly the basis for all happiness in life.  I personally think the objective, at least partially,  of religious faith is to highlight, enhance, and secure profound protection OF these gifts.  At least that is the intent "on paper" as they say.  A couple problems do come into play here, though, in my experience.  One is...real life. Work, parenting, bills, relationships, and thus, stress, heartache, disappointment, ailments...all components of daily life, and oh yeah, ego. They cloud our perspective of how things are really going for us.  They skew our view of the world around us. Our concerns become petty or "self" centered. And for good reason.  The "quality" of our life depends on our decisions.  Or...does it?
    I don't know that I would be so concerned about my next vacation, the condition of my car, or the paint job on my house if my health situation had (or may still have) taken a different turn.  A quick poll of any surviving family members, I feel, would bear this out.  I miss my parents, friends, and other family members that are no longer here, and I regret letting these life "issues" carve into the time I could have spent with them.  It's always about the future and seldom about the right now.  I do know this...if I could, I would trade any amount of expense, comfort, or personal gain to reclaim time with either loved ones lost or time with my children before they left home.  I would quickly ignore the distractions of work to spend more time with my wife.  I would learn, more intimately, what it means to "savor" moments. Moments that create and flavor the memories of "real life".
    Am I suggesting that we should ignore the value of paying attention to these "big" details of life.  Not at all.  Do I believe it's important to value our responsibilities?  Unquestionably.  Whatever the circumstances of our life, this is how we "journey" from beginning to end.  If we are blessed with wealth, we have certain responsibilities.  If we are blessed with children, we have certain responsibilities.  If our health is strong, we have to value and protect it.  All these things are critical.  The tipping point, for me, becomes the level of focus (on these things) I operate at.  When we narrow our view of life to just our own perspective, the world shrinks and suffers.  The common good becomes the "victim".  Stalemate, which benefits no one, wins by default.  I love the political process in this country.  The world loves our political system.  The breakdown comes when selfish attachment to a specific viewpoint becomes an immovable "mountain".  Enough of that.  I suggest only this ( as my friend Dave Weins says)..."if it doesn't work for everyone, it doesn't work".  My "new" perspective has shown me how blessed we are to have each other.  How do we honor this?
    My personal attachment to stress or worry has become my new challenge in life.  Or rather, the de-emphasis of them is my greatest objective.  I feel as if I have become an "addict" of these feelings.  I rationalize, as I have said before, this approach to life as being the symptom of a high level of concern I feel for the ways things are done.  Trust me...it's important, but not THAT important.
    This week (Dec.4th) is my post-operative appointment to determine if any of my cancer remains...and I don't know how to feel about it.  My "fight or flight" response has been slapping me around a lot the past few days or so.  My angst has been welling up all week...almost to the levels of my pre-surgical feelings.  It snuck up on me because I thought I was past this "weakness" to dread.  I sort of "knew" (this is a relative description) what the surgery would bring.  I think I approached surgery as the end of cancer for me, foolishly.  It was just the "task" in front of me.  Now...the "rubber meets the road".  The course for the next year will be set.  I truly am sorry if I have seemed uninterested,lately, in what is going on in my family's lives.  I just can't focus on anything else. I really do not want chemotherapy.  But who does?  We"ll see...
   The last paragraph may seem to contrast with my opening thoughts.  It's not so.  Most of my thoughts are overwhelmingly rooted in appreciation for life.  It just shows the "swings" I feel in dealing with all this.  I like things I can understand and some of this is both unknown and scary to me.  I was fooled into believing I had moved beyond fear.  I personally don't think I could ever "get over" the fear.  It's like lightening.  I can work to avoid it, but I can't make it go away.  One misstep and "ZAP". HaHa.  I can only "stay indoors" and ponder the benefits.  It's my way of containing thoughts that can become consuming.  Occasionally I ask myself , "So...how's that denial thing working for you"?
    So...we will drive to Grand Junction, again, and we will see the doctor, again (a shameless Forrest Gump reference).  And...we will deal with what comes.  My bride and me.  I don't think she thought this part (the sickness and health line) of our vows would be an issue, none of us does, but here we are.  And I am so grateful for her.  If my blood test is negative, I will probably do one more entry to let everyone know the news and to sign off.  I do have more subjects to explore but I will start a new blog to move on from this chapter of my life.  So...cross your rabbits foot, make a wish on a falling star, "hope to shout", all those silly things we do to favor good luck for some good news.  Oh yeah...prayers are still being accepted.  Remember to help those (around you) who need help, even those beyond our own worlds.  That's how we grow.  Much Love to ALL....MA