"Life is too short for drama & petty things..
So, kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly, pray always
Pope John XXIII
I just can't get off the idea of my cancer being a "gift". I believe that. I say gifts, as in something that improves or enhances life, because I honestly, and humbly, feel that way. They are the gifts of appreciation, gratitude, clarity of thought and perspective, family, love, and LIFE itself. How can these things be anything but gifts to us ? They are truly the basis for all happiness in life. I personally think the objective, at least partially, of religious faith is to highlight, enhance, and secure profound protection OF these gifts. At least that is the intent "on paper" as they say. A couple problems do come into play here, though, in my experience. One is...real life. Work, parenting, bills, relationships, and thus, stress, heartache, disappointment, ailments...all components of daily life, and oh yeah, ego. They cloud our perspective of how things are really going for us. They skew our view of the world around us. Our concerns become petty or "self" centered. And for good reason. The "quality" of our life depends on our decisions. Or...does it?
I don't know that I would be so concerned about my next vacation, the condition of my car, or the paint job on my house if my health situation had (or may still have) taken a different turn. A quick poll of any surviving family members, I feel, would bear this out. I miss my parents, friends, and other family members that are no longer here, and I regret letting these life "issues" carve into the time I could have spent with them. It's always about the future and seldom about the right now. I do know this...if I could, I would trade any amount of expense, comfort, or personal gain to reclaim time with either loved ones lost or time with my children before they left home. I would quickly ignore the distractions of work to spend more time with my wife. I would learn, more intimately, what it means to "savor" moments. Moments that create and flavor the memories of "real life".
Am I suggesting that we should ignore the value of paying attention to these "big" details of life. Not at all. Do I believe it's important to value our responsibilities? Unquestionably. Whatever the circumstances of our life, this is how we "journey" from beginning to end. If we are blessed with wealth, we have certain responsibilities. If we are blessed with children, we have certain responsibilities. If our health is strong, we have to value and protect it. All these things are critical. The tipping point, for me, becomes the level of focus (on these things) I operate at. When we narrow our view of life to just our own perspective, the world shrinks and suffers. The common good becomes the "victim". Stalemate, which benefits no one, wins by default. I love the political process in this country. The world loves our political system. The breakdown comes when selfish attachment to a specific viewpoint becomes an immovable "mountain". Enough of that. I suggest only this ( as my friend Dave Weins says)..."if it doesn't work for everyone, it doesn't work". My "new" perspective has shown me how blessed we are to have each other. How do we honor this?
My personal attachment to stress or worry has become my new challenge in life. Or rather, the de-emphasis of them is my greatest objective. I feel as if I have become an "addict" of these feelings. I rationalize, as I have said before, this approach to life as being the symptom of a high level of concern I feel for the ways things are done. Trust me...it's important, but not THAT important.
This week (Dec.4th) is my post-operative appointment to determine if any of my cancer remains...and I don't know how to feel about it. My "fight or flight" response has been slapping me around a lot the past few days or so. My angst has been welling up all week...almost to the levels of my pre-surgical feelings. It snuck up on me because I thought I was past this "weakness" to dread. I sort of "knew" (this is a relative description) what the surgery would bring. I think I approached surgery as the end of cancer for me, foolishly. It was just the "task" in front of me. Now...the "rubber meets the road". The course for the next year will be set. I truly am sorry if I have seemed uninterested,lately, in what is going on in my family's lives. I just can't focus on anything else. I really do not want chemotherapy. But who does? We"ll see...
The last paragraph may seem to contrast with my opening thoughts. It's not so. Most of my thoughts are overwhelmingly rooted in appreciation for life. It just shows the "swings" I feel in dealing with all this. I like things I can understand and some of this is both unknown and scary to me. I was fooled into believing I had moved beyond fear. I personally don't think I could ever "get over" the fear. It's like lightening. I can work to avoid it, but I can't make it go away. One misstep and "ZAP". HaHa. I can only "stay indoors" and ponder the benefits. It's my way of containing thoughts that can become consuming. Occasionally I ask myself , "So...how's that denial thing working for you"?
So...we will drive to Grand Junction, again, and we will see the doctor, again (a shameless Forrest Gump reference). And...we will deal with what comes. My bride and me. I don't think she thought this part (the sickness and health line) of our vows would be an issue, none of us does, but here we are. And I am so grateful for her. If my blood test is negative, I will probably do one more entry to let everyone know the news and to sign off. I do have more subjects to explore but I will start a new blog to move on from this chapter of my life. So...cross your rabbits foot, make a wish on a falling star, "hope to shout", all those silly things we do to favor good luck for some good news. Oh yeah...prayers are still being accepted. Remember to help those (around you) who need help, even those beyond our own worlds. That's how we grow. Much Love to ALL....MA
No comments:
Post a Comment