....Well, here we go. I wasn't going to write this one. I was going to just fast forward to recovery and move on with things. I mean that's where I want my energies to go, but...there's more going on here. I wanted this blog to help others, so I have to write this issue. When you approach an event like this so much, mentally, is going on. It's unavoidable. I have been putting in "overtime hours" trying to center myself...paint some perspective on this next step in the process. And by and large, I have achieved this goal...possibly to the dismay of my family. I'm just not all "here". My thoughts have gone somewhere else that prepares me for the surgery, recovery, and beyond...you know..the pain, the "side affects", the recovery, the CURE. Especially the closer my surgery gets. I tried to keep my thoughts from drifting in this "current", but I just couldn't. I tried to "eddy out" and be completely present to my "life" but it just wasn't happening for me. I just can't muster any desire to focus. It's not all bad, but it's tough on the people in my life who need me to decide some things. They'll just have to wait. Sorry.
I wouldn't say that fear is what I am feeling. I am a bit of an "anxiety" freak. I worry about my projects, I worry about my kids, my finances...you name it. Even when there's nothing to fret over, I fret anyway. I used to call it being "preemptive", but realistically...it's just worrying. It's also not healthy. I have always blamed it on caring too much about things, as if I cared more than everyone else. Not true. I'm a worry wart. I know this surgery will come with some pain, but that will be managed by my doctors. I know it's going to be expensive, but that too will be managed. It always is. I worry about work, but it always comes. The rehab will be long, it will be inconvenient, and, I believe successful. The worry comes in at the "cure". Maybe ten years in the making. But the reality is...the cure is HIS part in the process. I can do my physical therapy, I can rework my diet, I can continue to fine tune my spirituality, I can do many things to help myself and the odds, but... the cure belongs to a higher "pay grade". I know this, but still...I...worry. Not as much as before, but it's still there. Slowly I am letting go, but that process is ongoing. What I AM doing is working hard not to miss my "lessons". I feel like I am in graduate school and this learning has a whole new purpose to it. The clarity has startled me at times. I don't waste thought on petty things. I don't want to hear or express needless words. They use up time I want to preserve. The future has been painted with a whole different pallet of colors, some I have never "seen" or experienced before. As Forrest Gump would say, "That's a good thing". I will speak more of these things later, but for now I am going to try and experience sleep. It has not been easy to come by. The past week has produced, maybe, three hours of fractured sleep a night. I'm counting on alittle rest the next couple days...
Before I settle in tonight I do want to share the two primary "lessons" I have come to know above and beyond all others...Love and a Grateful Heart. There are no words to express the feelings I have for all my family and friends, and the sweet Love they've shown me. My beautiful family who have "rallied" around me , my incredible friends who have called, regularly, to check up on me, and all who have shown support on the internet and beyond. Cards, letters, thoughts, and most importantly...prayers. All these things and more give me just a "glimpse" of the love God has for us. So tangible a love, I can "touch it". And it feels "good". Real "good". Please know that nothing is lost in this process, I see it all, and I appreciate it all. I believe the word I seek is Agape. Thank you all for your help and strength. See you in a couple days. I Love You All... MA
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