Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Road Home- Part One

    Where to start...There's so much to say right now I may have to break it up into a couple posts. I'm not in the mood to condense anything right now, and,  I want every thought and feeling to have a "platform". I apologize in advance if I ramble a bit.  I will work to avoid this, as I get irritated whenever I have to work too hard to follow a certain train of thought.  I lose interest.  I don't want that to happen here because, after all,  I want all this to help others...
    Beyond all things, I thank God.  Not for healing (for that is still to be determined), but for the LOVE and COMFORT shown to me through all my friends, and family, who call to see how I am doing, who visit me to cheer me up, who bring us food to lighten our load, who pray for me (constantly) to be healed, who send notes of love and encouragement ... all the ways LOVE reveals itself in our life.  It is humbling, it's overwhelming, it's essential for health.  When God promised to always be with us, this is what He meant.  The extent to which we care and provide for others reflects the level to which we open ourselves to the movements of HIS Holy Spirit...within us all.  So...Thank you.  For being God for me when I needed you most.
    So, the surgery.  On Monday, I went in for my MRI which, while possibly showing the cancer had "breached" the capsule, it looked fairly contained to the prostatic general area and was a fairly routine
"ectomy"(removal) case.  But,when it comes to cancer, I've found doctors and health care providers to be deliberately vague. They rarely use the word "cure", as a verb, it's always indirectly referred to.  Such as, they will never say " This or that treatment will cure you".  They will only say " This or that treatment provides the best option to achieve the highest possibility of cure to reach your potential life expectancy".  I don't blame them, I know why this is, but being on the patient side of things, the "grey cloud" in the room is the absence of language to assuage the fears you have about your disease.  All you want is a long healthy life and the path to achieve it.  If "A" then "B".  People I spoke with before the surgery kept saying "It will be good to get this behind you".  While I knew it would be good to get the surgery behind me, I also knew the "cure" was a different matter completely.  The cure, or more accurately, the confirmation of a cure, will only reveal itself after a lengthy period of time and many small steps in the process.  All cancer is stubborn, determined, and very difficult to predict in it's "next move".  I think that my urologist privately was expecting my follow-up care to include radiation or chemotherapy.  He expressed, in some very subtle ways, his intuition that the cancer had become systemic and would need to tract it down and attack it there.  The first "step" was to remove the organ.  I really do appreciate his consultation protocol, I have enough "anxiety" genes as it is, but I knew the realities.  Part of me wanted to just keep driving west when I got to Grand Junction, head to the Puget Sound, rent a boat and motor out to where we buried my dad, and consult with him.  What would his take be on all this? You can read all there is to read about cancer and the various treatments for it.  It won't matter.  Being on this side of the equation prevents you from being objective.
    So we wandered about the hospital for a while , waiting for the surgery check-in.  My brother and friend, Bob Cook, came over from Denver to be with Sheila and I, and we strolled around St. Mary's hospital... talking, drinking coffee (them, not me), and generally calming ourselves.  Around 11:15 or so,  they ushered me into the pre-op area and got the ball rolling.  Over the next 1 1/2hrs - 2 hrs, a couple different nurses, my urologist, and the anesthesiologist came by to talk about things.  My doctor, Caleb Stepan, explained the MRI results and what his final approach would be.  That's almost all I remember except rolling into the OR and getting a quick glimpse of the "robot" that would soon be delicately removing some of my original "factory equipment".  He was "resting" when I saw him, covered with little socks on his hands.  The next thing I knew it was almost 8 pm, my back was killing me, and I couldn't keep my eye lids open.  Thanks to a little morphine I got some decent rest that night and woke up early the next day.
    Tuesday was a so-so day. They removed a drainage tube in my abdomen around 7:30am.  My doctor came by around 8 and explained the procedure, what they found, the timeline for biopsy results,  and calmly expressed his optimism.  "In a few days we'll have the pathology report on the gland and lymph nodes and that will tell us a lot".  You have to look hard there, but hidden in his comments was a little more optimism.  So...Tuesday afternoon I was discharged to my hotel room.  Because we have a long drive home they wanted me close, in case a complication arose, and I opted for the hotel.  After picking up pain meds and something to eat, we retired to the hotel and settled in for the night.  Wednesday morning we got going around noon and started a slow but deliberate drive home, stopping a couple times to walk around. 
    Wednesday night and Thursday was a little rough .  Maybe I over did it, but for sure I didn't get in "front" of the pain, as they say, and I didn't sleep very well.  Most of the day was trying to manage the abdominal pain, gas mostly, and trying to nap. Thursday afternoon my doctor called with the results of the pathology tests.  I could sense the upbeat tone in his voice as we discussed how I was feeling and my need to pay closer attention to any pain I felt.  We also discussed some ideas about jump starting some bowel activity (no details here), and what to expect going forward.  Then he started with "I just got the pathology results" and I caught my breath for a brief second, "and it all looks good". Wait, what?  "The cancer WAS contained in the prostate, there was no evidence of cancer in any of the lymph nodes or seminal vesicles, so...there's a good probability the cancer will be treated with surgery alone".  He had me at "looks good".  This phone call was the one I awaited since surgery, but I wasn't completely sure I wanted to receive.  The last time I was in this situation, Aug. 30th, the news of my initial biopsy results was not so good.  It came up as a  "blocked" call and I instantly knew who it was.  I stared at the phone for a couple rings before I answered it.  So...slowly I am building some foundation of real hope.  I will have to wait until Dec. 4th to see if I have any PSA still in my body.  It should be 0%.  If there is some reading above that then it means some "micro" tumors exist and will have to be treated another way.
     Since Friday I have slowly weaned myself off of the pain meds and now only take them at night to sleep well.  Tomorrow I go to Grand Junction for a follow-up visit...and to have the catheter removed.  Thanks Be To GOD. 
    So...I have exhausted my storage of energy for today and need to close.  I am beginning to nod off over the computer.  Please know how much I  LOVE all of you back.  Pray for each other constantly, whether you think someone may need it or not.  You just don't know...

Monday, October 15, 2012

"Wondering Where the Lions Are"

"Sun's up..mmm----mmm, looks okay
And the world survives into another day.
And I'm thinking about eternity...
Some kind of ectasy has a hold..on..me.

Had another dream about lions at the door
But they weren't as frightening as they were before
And I'm thinkin' about eternity......"  Bruce Cockburn "Wondering Where the Lions Are

    I just recieved one more gift I had to share.  At 3:30 this morning I awoke with a wonderful awareness that in a book quote, certainly a bible verse, song lyric, a conversation with a friend, sun rise or down...as the Jesuits say "God Is In ALL Things".  It's how comfort and peace are distributed.  An intimate memory of someone, a smile at the right time, a compliment.  Even "bad" things that give us perspective, which is a wonderful (and valuable) thing.  Divine presence.  His Creation.
     I guess I've always known that His love was shown thru the efforts of His people...kindness, acts of charity, forgiveness...but the more subtle feelings of peace and comfort seemed to just appear.  Feelings of joy and a sense of beauty seemed to find their way into my mind, and heart, as "by-products". 
    This morning I realized they are gifts, just as friendship and family are gifts, and that...it's all very deliberate and to the point...when they are most needed.  Thankyou Lord for THIS day....   

Sunday, October 14, 2012

"A Lifeline Please"

   ....Well, here we go. I wasn't going to write this one.  I was going to just fast forward to recovery and move on with things.  I mean that's where I want my energies to go, but...there's more going on here.  I wanted this blog to help others, so I have to write this issue.  When you approach an event like this so much, mentally, is going on.  It's unavoidable.  I have been putting in "overtime hours" trying to center myself...paint some perspective on this next step in the process.  And by and large, I have achieved this goal...possibly to the dismay of my family.  I'm just not all "here". My thoughts have gone somewhere else that prepares me for the surgery, recovery, and beyond...you know..the pain, the "side affects", the recovery, the CURE.  Especially the closer my surgery gets.  I tried to keep my thoughts from drifting in this "current", but I just couldn't.  I tried to "eddy out" and be completely present to my "life" but it just wasn't happening for me.  I just can't muster any desire to focus.  It's not all bad, but it's tough on the people in my life who need me to decide some things.  They'll just have to wait.  Sorry.
    I wouldn't say that fear is what I am feeling.  I am a bit of an "anxiety" freak.  I worry about my projects, I worry about my kids, my finances...you name it.  Even when there's nothing to fret over, I fret anyway.  I used to call it being "preemptive", but realistically...it's just worrying.  It's also not healthy.  I have always blamed it on caring too much about things, as if I cared more than everyone else.  Not true.  I'm a worry wart.  I know this surgery will come with some pain, but that will be managed by my doctors.  I know it's going to be expensive, but that too will be managed.  It always is.  I worry about work, but it always comes.  The rehab will be long, it will be inconvenient, and, I believe successful.  The worry comes in at the "cure".  Maybe ten years in the making.  But the reality is...the cure is HIS part in the process.  I can do my physical therapy, I can rework my diet, I can continue to fine tune my spirituality, I can do many things to help myself and the odds, but... the cure belongs to a higher "pay grade".  I know this, but still...I...worry.  Not as much as before, but it's still there.  Slowly I am letting go, but that process is ongoing.  What I AM doing is working hard not to miss my "lessons".  I feel like I am in graduate school and this learning has a whole new purpose to it.  The clarity has startled me at times.  I don't waste thought on petty things.  I don't want to hear or express needless words.  They use up time I want to preserve.  The future has been painted with a whole different pallet of colors, some I have never "seen" or experienced before.  As Forrest Gump would say, "That's a good thing".  I will speak more of these things later, but for now I am going to try and experience sleep.  It has not been easy to come by.  The past week has produced, maybe, three hours of fractured sleep a night.  I'm counting on alittle rest the next couple days...
    Before I settle in tonight I do want to share the two primary "lessons" I have come to know above and beyond all others...Love and a Grateful Heart. There are no words to express the feelings I have for all my family and friends, and the sweet Love they've shown me.  My beautiful family who have "rallied" around me , my incredible friends who have called, regularly, to check up on me, and all who have shown support on the internet and beyond.  Cards, letters, thoughts, and most importantly...prayers.  All these things and more give me just a "glimpse" of the love God has for us.  So tangible a love, I can "touch it".  And it feels "good".  Real "good".  Please know that nothing is lost in this process, I see it all, and I appreciate it all.  I believe the word I seek is Agape.  Thank you all for your help and strength.  See you in a couple days.  I Love You All... MA

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The " Garden "

    I don't know how to start this entry.  I'm sure virtually everyone, without living parents, facing  surgery for cancer drifts toward that sad place of feeling an "absolute" disconnect from the very origin of their life. I have been visiting that place alot the last few weeks.   I want to talk with my parents.  I want them to say " it's going to be alright".  I want to hear my Mom's cute laughter as I tell her some funny story about my kids. She would have cried on the phone as we discussed things, quickly gathering herself, for my sake, and then share her beautiful "cackle" , as my oldest sister would say, as we clawed around for anything funny to make each other feel good. Every once in a while I hear my Dad "whistling" under his breath as he concentrates on a task at hand.  Sometimes I'm the one doing the whistling...  I know if he were alive he would have received the news of my illness with a pragmatic "schedule" of the events that lay ahead, a few anecdotes of his experience, and a couple jokes thrown in for "lightness", and an "I love you son" sprinkled at the end.  I also know that as soon as he hung up he would have bawled his eyes out.  He loved his son, you see.
    I have my memories, I even have some physical mementos...but my emotional umbilical cord has been cut.  My sweet mother died four years ago after suffering a series of strokes caused by a brain tumor, my Dad a year later (in his sleep) from heart failure.  I had gone to see my Mom a couple months before, visiting her in a nursing home in Sandpoint.  She no longer was able to move , speak, or care for herself in any way.  My sisters, both of whom lived nearby, kept a constant vigil with her from the time of her first stroke in December to her passing in May. Everyone should be so blessed to have two daughters such as this.  I can only guess about the level of comfort my Mom must have felt with their presence.  During my visit, I would look her in the eye and we would smile at each other. I really think she was looking at an ornery five year old wearing everyone out with his energy and mischief. I held her hand and played guitar for her, and I told her when I left that it was alright for her to let go...we would be okay.  I kissed her and told her "I love you so much".  My Dad was not so fortunate.  He was alone.  He was one of those people, about whom, it was easy to forget that he would die some day.  At his memorial, most people were unaware that he was almost eighty four... he looked ten years younger and acted like he was still in high school.  I had sent him a DVD of our childhood 8mm movies for Father's Day and when I called him he was watching it with a friend, I'm sure narrating it scene by scene.  My last words to him... forever... were "I love you".  The next day, about 1pm, he was found in bed after laying down for a nap.  I wasn't ready.  I didn't see my Mom very often.  She spent Thanksgiving with us a year or so before her illness, but visits had been way too scarce.  Just too many miles and too little money...  When I sat with her I could hear her struggle for each breath, aware of those in the room and her circumstances, but present to us.   She loved her kids so much.  And...just like that... both my parents were gone, and with them any link to the "genesis" of my life.  Now, as I reflect on my own mortality, I can't discuss it with the very people who gave me the "gift"...the one I now fight to save.
   This moment of isolation, almost a "Gethsemane" moment, is felt by many people.  When we approach the last third of our lives, a lot of us will lose our parents and...face health issues without them.  My moment in this realization was intense, it was lonely, and it was scary.  It was also brief.  I was quickly awakened to the awareness that many people around me... most importantly, people that love me, that hold me up... could give me strength to "square up" to this challenge.  My wife, my children, all my in-law family, my sisters, my friends.  The energy of their love, their prayers, "carry" me when I want to "sit down" and rest.  They know, when I don't, that to move forward you have to stay "up", you must look to the next step to avoid another pitfall.  They all know that THIS moment is the one that counts.  The ONLY one...that counts.
    So...five days to go. My diet is changing, my final preparations are beginning, and my thoughts are shifting to a post operative perspective.  It's time to adapt.  I'm sorry if I seem a bit on the dark side...it's just that "place in the journey".  More grey maybe, it's really not that dark for me, just reflective...internal.  Thank you for your prayers, loving thoughts, and support.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

In Search Of....

    So....here comes the "health issue".  You probably expected it, as I'm sure most people (with cancer) eventually address this as they begin to evaluate the steps toward recovery.  I say eventually because I don't believe anybody, me for sure, starts off evaluating their physical status, (present and certainly not their future)...you know "how we got here, what's good, what's bad, how to change course" etc.  Speaking for myself, as I have stated previously, my initial reaction was (honestly) WTF!!!!!....  Sorry Father... I couldn't help it.  I thought I was healthy, active, peripherally conscious of my diet, and expecting a "long run" as they say.  By peripherally I mean I had a certain focus on my diet and avoided certain foods, at least excessively, in response to popularly held notions about the outcomes associated with their consumption.  Some of these items are bacon, sodas, fried foods, fast foods, margarine, alcohol, red meat.  I do eat some of these things (bacon, soda, alcohol, red meat) in measured amounts, and almost completely do without others (fried food, fast food, margarine, soda) except for occasional indulgences.  But I never knew why I chose this approach or that, how much was too much or not enough, what was really beneficial and what was really harmful.  And...why.  I was more armchair quarterback than actually being on the field.  I was, in effect, second guessing the research and suggestions put forth by the medical professions that, for the most part, were intended to improve my health...i.e. my life.  And I do say "for the most part" because I also recognize the role "big business" plays in all things and I am often a bit cynical about the motives of such organizations.  I am a capitalist, don't misunderstand me, but the "nasty little guy peering from the shadows" in today's (yesterday and tomorrow's as well) commercial world is greed.  Maximizing profits, not just being profitable...sometimes ignoring or manipulating facts just to squeeze more profit from a venture...  and often at the expense of public health, safety, ethical or moral standards. Excuses..excuses.  I admit to "diffusing" my reliance on most food related guidelines  because I somehow believed that some "one" had some "thing" to gain or profit from it.  Such as...the organic farming industry, health food markets, pharmaceutical companies, health supplement makers...you name it.  There's always money to be made.  "Follow the money" as they say and you will determine the motive.  So...with this level of cynicism operating in my decision processes, I employed a "smorgasbord" mentality in my approach to eating...and living, meaning I would pick and choose my diet items based mostly on info disseminated from advertising, not science.  I realize, now, that a lot of my opinions came from periodical articles written to "sell" an idea.  I know the writers probably meant well but they are in business and a business needs to sell or push a product.  That's why we have "fads"...the next "big" thing.  But... I don't blame them.  "A fool is born every minute" right ? And I'm the fool.  The same processes I am going through now I could have done years ago, and...probably would not be where I am right now, experiencing cancer, up close and personal.  One word says it all... laziness.  It's alot more convenient to let someone else do the research for you and then detail what you should do to be happy, healthy, better looking, smarter, faster, influential, holier...you name it. Who's got time to research all this anyway.  That's why they call "them" experts.
    There's still that one problem, motive.  Their motivation is not necessarily your good health.  At least not their first motivation.  It's making a living for themselves...and/or their stockholders.  I don't say this to dismiss their work, only to keep a perspective.  I don't build houses just to give someone a place to live.  First and foremost it's my way of making a living.  I may employ a certain integrity in what I do, I may seek a certain level of fairness for all involved, but I do it as my way of paying for myself in this world (otherwise I would be standing in a river waving a stick). The responsibilty for my life is mine.  If I want a fortune, I have to earn it (never figured that one out).  If I want honesty, I have to seek truth. If I want holiness, I have to seek what is holy...and if I desire good health, I have to seek what is healthy.  To seek, by definition, I mean to "look for", to "want", to "desire" something, and in this case, my desire is good balanced health.  This is, and always has been, my responsibility because I am the one "at stake".  I am the one who "lives" or "dies" by my choices.
    Sifting through all the available materials may seem a bit much, but it can be done.  Seek scientific materials first ( books, essays, reports, journals) that relate to the issues you have.  Note: the sex lives of the Asian silkworm may not be of interest to you.  If your interest is dietary, research that first.  It will lead you to all sorts of medical disciplines, as far into it as you wish to go.  If your interest is a specific ailment (prevention or cure) go there.  Think...the library and "Google".  It almost always comes back to food for that is the most direct way that our "environment" becomes part of us.  If our environment is pure, we will be pure.  If our environment is toxic, we will be toxic.  So on and so on.  But as you do this due diligence, you will find that our illnesses can be avoided and that the sole responsibility for this result is yours and mine.  Personal responsibilty...what a concept.  Remember this...our creation was "perfect", it's all the subsequent "remodeling" that has us looking and feeling out of sorts.
    Here are a few suggestions to get started.   Breath deep.  Being overwhelmed seems to make us anxious, which causes a level of hyperventilation.  Read and disseminate for yourself.  Through this information your heart will lead you where you need to go.  Trust this path first and foremost.  Pray, but only for wisdom and guidance.  It doesn't work to ask for His help and then ignore it.  Get some exercise.  Oxygen does wonders for the body and it's many systems and functions.  Just a note...a fantastic book to start with is "anticancer...a new way of life" by Dr. David Servan-Schrieber.
    And...a bit of good news.  As I said on Tuesday I had a bone scan as part of my preoperative processes and I received the news yesterday that it was negative for any metastical prostatic cancer in my bones.  Thanks Be To God... MA
   

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Semper Gratias Habere (to always be grafeful)

    It never occurred to me that the address of my blog might be misleading...so, to anyone logging on to my sight, looking for the best places to fish in Gunnison...I apologize.  While it is true, there are MANY great places to fish here, this must have come as a shock.  The title speaks more to my identity than the subject matter, duh, but originally the blog was going to be more op-ed oriented. Sorry about that.  Eventually the info you seek will be written about here, just not for awhile.  Thanks to Dave (my son) for pointing that out.  Nothing like having an editor in the family.
    Well, as they say, "the rubber has met the road".  Yesterday was a marathon day, completing all of my preop activities in one fell swoop.  Sheila and I left home at 6:00 o'clock in the morning, drove 2 1/2 hrs. to Grand Junction, performed all the PATs (pre admittance tasks), blood draws, chest x-rays, physical therapy meeting, two trips to nuclear medicine, and a bone scan, ate dinner, and returned home alittle after 9 pm.  "Tired I am", as Yoda would say. My doctor's staff, and the folks at St. Mary's Hospital in GJ were absolutely wonderful.  The coordination was very impressive and only further confirms the choice of surgeon and venue for my surgery.  Some very skilled people got me registered into the "system", withdrew blood, injected radioactive dye, instructed me in the ways of pre and post operative physical therapy, and took xray images of my chest and skeletal structure.  In two weeks they will wheel me into the operating room, tilt me upside down, don the the "gloves" of a robotic surgical marvel called the "Da Vinci" and excise any and all diseased parts of my anatomy they find... "what a world, what a world".  On one level, this is a piece of today's technology I would just as soon not have to experience.  On the other hand, I love this sort of innovation and am kind of, in a weird way, excited to see and "experience" it.  I know..I know, I should have just finished the pre-med/med  program and got my kicks out of this sort of thing from the "other side" of the equation. Oh well...
    So things are in motion...I have taxied to the runway and am finishing my pre-flight.  My checklist now is... work all I can, prepare for re-hab,and "make still my heart" as they say.  My faith is my rock, for as Rachel ( my daughter) reminded me "For GOD has given us a spirit, not of fear, but of power and LOVE and self-control".  To anyone who does not understand these feelings, I'm not sure I have the words to do it justice, and this probably isn't the place to delve into it, but to KNOW you are loved beyond any measure, comforted without end, and supported without waiver is a blessing beyond blessing.  It is manifested in my family and friends, and residual within my heart, and I cannot imagine going through this process without it.
    To all who are facing a similar situation, please know that there are so many around you that love you, pray for you, and are willing to help.  Please KNOW this as well...GOD and His Love are not predicated on our belief in Him.  He loves us inspite of our actions.  Finding this peace in our lives is essential all the time...but especially now.  I don't know what this operation will cost me, I don't know what the insurance will actually cover and not cover (interesting...and it's called insurance?), and I don't have any idea how I will pay for any of it.  At this point in time I don't even know what to do for my living.  I feel my thirty-five year run as a builder/carpenter as come to an end.  My heart is not there anymore.  My last project proved to be a pinnacle, for me, and I can't improve on the client or project. I have lots of energy and enthusiasm, but for what?  Note... if anyone has any ideas or opportunities...I am available.  Sorry, I wobbled off track for a second.  None of these things will matter if you don't survive, obviously, so I suggest all your efforts, thoughts, and energies go into this part of the approach.  Do all you can, have peace with your efforts, and focus your very being into getting well.  The results take care of themselves from there.  This world is full of alot of good doctors, caregivers, and...friendly "do-gooders".   Believe they are there to help you...for they will.  Believe you are loved...for you are.  Believe all things are possible...thru Him.  Namaste